Author: Mark Dillman

  • Downhill Fast

    At age 12, soon after Christmas, a major snowstorm hit, nixing school. My neighbor Virgil and I, both at home alone, trudged across the nearby golf course in high spirits, him sporting a pricey shearling coat, his main gift.

    The course was bounded by a creek, which we found to be frozen. Or partially, as we realized when Virgil crackled through and plunged to his chest. I extended a tree limb to drag him out.

    The trudge back was subdued. Only my legs had gotten wet, but I was shivering uncontrollably, and Virgil’s white fleece trim, now caramel, had frozen solid. At home he discovered he was locked out. I had my key, but our place had no laundry dryer, and he was in a panic about the coat. Luckily, he knew a way to break in.

    Our houses, built at the end of the Depression, each had a long-disused metal door, roughly three feet wide, built into the foundation at ground level. In those earlier times a guy would deliver coal by shoveling it through the opening and down a chute to a boiler, now long gone.

    The actual portal!

    Virgil managed to pry the hatch open but hesitated to squirm through on his belly and cause even more damage to the coat. Then he hit upon a solution: He would lay face up on a cheap toboggan and carefully scooch forward until he could reach an overhead water pipe in the basement and swing his legs inside.

    I was still deciding where to grip the wet plastic for support when he shot through the hatch with a shriek and crashed to the concrete floor. He landed on his head yet broke his leg.

    It took me several minutes to squirm inside without stepping on him, and another ten to get him upstairs, where he phoned and asked his no-nonsense father to leave work early. He wouldn’t let me wash the coat, and there was nothing else I could do, really.

    The next time I saw Virgil his cast was covered with signatures and due to come off any day. He never told me how he explained the incident to Dad.

  • Other People’s Kids

    (Because at small newspapers that’s what you did.)

    Girl doing chin-ups at ROTC
    ROTC chin-ups, Chicago, 1995/ by Mark Dillman
  • Rattled

    rattlesnake
    Foto-Rabe via Pixabay

    We’re parked at the Picture Rocks trailhead in Saguaro National Park, sorting water and supplies into a backpack for a hike in the 85-degree midmorning heat.

    As we’re finishing, a grizzled older man parks a pickup and unloads a noticeably hissing, sealed five-gallon bucket from the bed, along with aluminum snake tongs. I ask, Is that a rattler? It is. Sounds big. A big one, he confirms, and sets off on foot.

    A few minutes later we follow down the trail, which quickly narrows into a canyon. A quarter mile along we find him rising from a crouch, the bucket now empty. He gestures to spot roughly three feet off the trail, indicating a shadowed cleft at ankle level. Indeed, we can see eyes and a flickering tongue. A head as large as my fist.

    While hiking, it occurs to me that neither his truck nor clothes specified any official status.

    Hours later, at a visitor center packed with kids, I can’t help but wonder what made a seemingly competent local guy bypass dozens of roadside turnouts spread across thousands of acres to release a big one on a trail popular enough to be included in every guidebook.

  • Expired Humor

    A perfectly good joke that occurred to me 7 years too late:

    Q: How come Louis CK no longer has a penis?

    A: He followed Marie Kondo’s advice to hold each thing he owns in his hand and ask, “Does this spark joy?”

    Check back for upcoming boffo gags about Eleanor Roosevelt, muttonchop sideburns, and airplane food.

    Louis CK performing standup comedy.
  • Shrink-wrap

    In the nineties I covered a Chicago-area press conference held to announce a successful drug raid. Back-slapping officials took turns making statements at a lectern next to a table bearing the usual assortment of guns and knives. The drugs were elsewhere, but the display included a shrink-wrapped pile of cash about the size of my Sony Trinitron. A half-million, I think.

    For months afterward all of my job-escape fantasies involved stumbling upon shrink-wrapped money. Hiking in the woods, say. Or in the trunk of the Rent-a-Wrecks I was fond of.

    Both scenarios were plausible. Narco pilots were known to heave bundled money from Cessna windows if being pursued, and Rent-a-Wreck was notorious for barely cleaning its returned cars. I once picked up a dented Corsica and the passenger side floor was covered with M&Ms. Hard to overlook, one would think, against dirty blue carpet.

    Psychologically, the shrink-wrap was key. If I had found an envelope or bank deposit bag stuffed with money, I would have felt duty-bound to look for the owner. But shrink-wrapped cash is tainted cash, and fair game.

    Alas, the closest I ever came was a twenty-dollar bill used as a bookmark in a library copy of “London Fields.”

  • Welcome home

    People in 1960s boarding a plane.

    The essential problem with the modern airport is not congestion, unhealthy food or belligerent drunks. It is not eight-dollar coffee, inaudible updates or endless TSA roped stanchions. It is not the lack of a sign at pre-check specifying whether your laptop should be in or outside your carry-on.

    The essential problem with the modern airport is not the gate with seating for 40 passengers yet chosen for an overbooked flight carrying 100. Nor even the inevitable flyer who hasn’t heard — Like, dude, you serious? Since when? — that you haven’t been allowed to bring a Big Gulp through security since W was president.

    No, the essential problem with the modern airport is that, due to practical concerns and the sheer volume of passengers, it is now impossible for a traveler returning home from, let’s say, a visit with Midwestern relatives to deplane, get down on his knees and kiss the goddamn tarmac.

    Copilot (hilarious name, considering) suggested I had made a mistake, and the correct phrase should be: belligerent drinks. “But I didn’t punch nobody, officer! It was them belligerent drinks.”

  • Free Admission

    photo of Tacoma Art Museum
    Tacoma Art Museum

    May, 2006: A birthday trip to Tacoma.

    New to the area, we prepare with maps and clippings as if it were a weeklong road trip. It’s free day at the art museum, for an excellent show of early 20th Century American works.

    A stylish hat and dress which belonged to Georgia O’Keefe are on display. A visitor refreshes her friend’s memory: “You know, she painted those things.”

    There is a photo by Alfred Stiegletz — O’Keefe’s passion, mentor, and torment — of a horse’s groin, titled “Spiritual America.”

    “Modern art is too modern for me,” a man tells his companion.

    A woman looks at a Stuart Davis canvas. “That’s very painterly,” she says.

    “Aren’t you going to write that down?” Sara asks me.

  • I’m Lovin’ It!

    McDonald's sign

    I love McDonald’s. The workers tend to be young and funny and full of energy. The dining areas are tidy and bright, and the parking lots are well lit and generally spacious. Plus, the smell of the French fries! I love McDonald’s!

    The restrooms are roomy and clean, and — unlike many of their competitors I could mention — there’s often a side entrance so you can gain access without having to pass before the eyes of a judgmental counter staff. McDonald’s employees don’t mind. They understand that sometimes a person needs to pee!

    A McDonald’s I went to recently had a giant wall-mounted screen playing zany videos of people setting Guinness World Records. Such fun! And the PlayPlaces (think colorful plastic balls)… nothing like that when I was a kid! Now youngsters can even print out and decorate their own Happy Meals box. And even the merch: so cute! Gotta love that Hamburglar, and gotta love McDonalds!

    On the macro, McD’s offers scholarships to personnel from underrepresented groups. Maybe not such a popular idea lately, but they do. And the whole Ronald McDonald House Charities thing is amazing. More than 260 of them, and all places to stay for the families of sick kids. What’s not to love? And betcha didn’t know there are 40 Care Mobile rolling clinics. Medical! Dental!

    They send crews out to pick up all the greasy McDonald’s litter dropped around city parks and parking lots! Well, no, but who cares? It feeds the seagulls! Seagulls love McDonald’s!

    For a few years I started my workday in suburban Chicago, just a few blocks from the spot of the first McDonald’s franchise in the whole United States. It was a museum, with mannequin employees in paper hats frozen in the act of flipping burgers and frying potatoes. The sign on the Golden Arches read, hilariously, Over One Million Sold.

    I love McDonald’s! I encourage everyone to stop in and say hello.

    Just, for god’s sake, don’t eat the food.

  • Just Desserts

    chocolate cake

    In the early aughts San Jose had an inspiring range of restaurants: Thai, Vietnamese. Indian. Dosas as big as your head. Kheer! The exception was Chinese, at least Veg Chinese.

    For that reason, Sara and I were actually glad when a P.F. Chang’s opened downtown, about six blocks from our apartment. It wasn’t in a mall, the spring rolls and tofu were up to par, and the chain-restaurant vibe was comparatively subtle. The exception was the dessert menu, which couldn’t resist a geewhiz offering: The Great Wall of Chocolate, a staple to this day.

    But hey, if you preferred lighter fare, the Tiananmen Lemon Squares were always reliable.

  • Gone Boy

    On Wednesdays of junior year, I caught a ride to high school with a scrappy teen from my neighborhood named Chuck. We had been classmates since first grade, though never actual friends, but I could use the lift, and he could use the five bucks to fuel his rustbucket Chevy Impala, which barely seemed reliable enough to make it across town.

    1969 Chevrolet beater

    Not the actual car, alas. Possibly better than the actual car.

    Once, on Highway 41, a guy in a Cadillac tailgaited us for a few miles then followed us into a left turn lane, stopping inches from our back bumper. Chuck shut off the engine, waited until the left turn arrow changed to green, then got out — achingly slowly — and opened the Impala’s hood.

    The guy behind us was trapped by heavy passing traffic and couldn’t pull out to get by. I stayed in the car, staring straight ahead and listening to Dark Side of the Moon. Chuck kept up the car-trouble pantomime for three complete cycles of the light. Finally, he closed the hood, started the car and continued to school. All of this without a word.

    A few Wednesday mornings later I stood by my front door, waiting. Pickup time came and went with no sign of Chuck. After I had missed homeroom, still waiting, I called his house. Chuck’s mother asked, was I crazy? He took his books and left to get you an hour ago.

    When I finally got to school there was no sign of him, and in fact I never saw or spoke to him again. Months later I heard he had driven the Impala to Arizona to live with his equally scrappy brother, and that his mom never stopped believing I had somehow been involved in the plot.

    I picture him throwing textbooks out the window as he crosses the plains, lightening his load and hoping to reach the next gas station.