The essential problem with the modern airport is not congestion, unhealthy food or belligerent drunks. It is not eight-dollar coffee, inaudible updates or endless TSA roped stanchions. It is not the lack of a sign at pre-check specifying whether your laptop should be in or outside your carry-on.
The essential problem with the modern airport is not the gate with seating for 40 passengers yet chosen for an overbooked flight carrying 100. Nor even the inevitable flyer who hasn’t heard — Like, dude, you serious? Since when? — that you haven’t been allowed to bring a Big Gulp through security since W was president.
No, the essential problem with the modern airport is that, due to practical concerns and the sheer volume of passengers, it is now impossible for a traveler returning home from, let’s say, a visit with Midwestern relatives to deplane, get down on his knees and kiss the tarmac.
Copilot (hilarious name, considering) suggested I had made a mistake, and the correct phrase should be: belligerent drinks. “But I didn’t punch nobody, officer! It was them belligerent drinks.”